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The Future of the American Experiment is in Your Hands
Sunday, 22 July 2018 20:58

It's Alive!

It’s Alive! The Prequel

Any similarity with people and/or events is strictly coincidental.

Frankenstein Castle (German: Burg Frankenstein) is a hilltop castle in the Odenwald overlooking the city of Darmstadt in Germany. It is alleged that this castle may have been an inspiration for Mary Shelley when she wrote her 1818 Gothic novel Frankenstein.

It has been many years since the natives of Darmstadt, Germany attacked Burg Frankenstein.  In the early 1800’s, by directing lightning to provide life to a body sewn together with parts taken from robbed gravesites, Dr. Frankenstein’s monster should have become the eighth wonder of the world. Instead its creator had unwittingly implanted a defective brain, because his assistant, Igor, carelessly dropped its glass container, where it shattered on the floor. Unknown to Victor Frankenstein, Igor selected a nearby jar containing the brain of an executed halfwit, and everything that followed is well documented. The unfortunate monster never had a chance of gaining social acceptance among the torch-bearing locals.


The baron’s great-grandson now stood in the laboratory housed in the tower of Burg Frankenstein, the only part of the castle still not in ruins. He had been convinced that his ancestor’s name would be vindicated, not only because of the great advances made in science and physiology since the eighteen hundreds, but because his audacious experiment would also result in the perfect GOP candidate for President of the United States. Even the papers showing U. S. citizenship were perfectly forged to show that his specimen was born in the land of the free. Who else but Dr. Paul Lyon, the great-grandson of Baron von Frankenstein, could have conceived of this brilliant plan?

It was the perfect deception. Only a few top-level members of the Rebooblican Party were even aware of this scheme that was directed at creating life for the express purpose of ensuring Hillary Cluetin’s defeat at the polls. A massive computer in the sub-basement provided the software programming for directing the monster’s thought-processes. This way there could be no unforeseen reversals. The program indicated that the preponderance of white males, many of whom were still fighting the American Civil War, had preferred a racist who knew how to utilize anger - not reconciliation, and hate - not love, and who knew how to throw out lie after lie to confuse the Democrats and stir up the monster’s supporters.  The computer predicted that the race might be close, but deception could tip the election in favor of Dr. Lyon’s wonderful creation.

He even had the computer select the monster’s name, Darnold Shtump. But first it was necessary to test the monster’s magnetic personality among the locals before the creature could be shipped to the United States. It was now time to reanimate the monster, release its shackles, and send it to town to verify it’s programming.

Unknown to the creator, his assistant Igor (a different Igor) had butterfingers and also dropped the brain he was supposed to fetch. This time, instead of a replacement, he swept up the brain with shards of glass and placed it in the hermetically sealed container for transport back to the castle. With the brain now housed in the cranium of Darnold Shtump, the dynamo whirred again and circuits buzzed while thunder and lightning rent the sky.

 The pig-like eyes flickered open, and Dr. Lyon roared out, “It’s alive!” “The GOP will have its day---Ha, ha, ha!” After a few tests associated with ‘how many fingers am I holding up?’ the shackles were released, and the monster spoke in a commanding deep voice, “Where are the beautiful women?”

Dr. Lyon replied, “I did not prepare a soul-mate for you.” “Go to the town and show them your magnetic personality.  Convince them you are the candidate that delivers, and I’ll take care of your personal needs later when we’re stateside.”

With a grunt, the monster lifted itself off the operating table and started to depart. “Wait,” said Dr. Lyons. “Here’s some Tic Tacs. Your breath stinks.” With the swing of his small hands, the Shtump knocked the Tic Tacs out of Lyon’s hand, and they fell to the floor. “By the way, Igor, why did you bring back hands too small for his body?” Igor shrugged, “Beggars can’t be choosers.” Igor quickly added, “It’s orange hair is really cool.”

“Igor, I want you to accompany the Shtump and report back to me on his magnetic personality.” “Yes, master.” And they left for the town.

Later that evening, Lyons heard some unpleasant noise. Looking out the window, he saw Igor and the Shtump hurrying back to the castle just ahead of an angry mob of townspeople. The villagers meant business, since they were carrying torches and pitchforks. Dr. Lyons let his charges in and bolted the door.

“What did you do to enrage the mob out there?” cried Dr. Lyons.  Igor, looking despondent, replied, “The Shtump couldn’t stop groping the women.  Some children were also reported missing.”

“Why would he do something that stupid?” wondered Lyons. “Master, he might have a damaged brain. You see, I slipped and dropped it on the floor.”

“That might explain the groping of the women,” said Lyons.  “Well, the first test run wasn’t great, but we’ll take the Shtump to America, anyway. We’ve invested too much money to abandon our experiment. Besides, the computer predicts that enough white voters will still love him.”

They filed into an elevator, which took them to an underground garage, where they made good their escape from the castle to carry out their plans. As Igor drove, Lyons turned and lamented, “It’s the last time I have you pick up body parts, Igor, especially brains.”


 Bob Serody is a member of Space Coast Progressive Alliance.

*ED. NOTE: The views expressed here are solely those of the author. SCPA does not endorse candidates and welcomes commentary on a wide range of issues, including political campaigns, local, regional and national. If interested in contributing commentary, please contact SCPA

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